dedicated to the decade. 2000-2009

i was 13-22 ; the wonder years ; self exploration to the max. i`ll sum my decade up as { finding forever } - "got back stage, and I bumped into Stevie, he said no matter what, the people gone see me." - common [the people]. i chose this because i spent my teen years in charlotte,nc and this is one of those feel good when i`m riding through my city songs. i had the best times there and this song epitomizes my love for the queen city. pop that shit in and drive on a 70-something day and see what i mean. these [nearly] ten years have been an expedition of wrong turns, correct exits, and illegal passes but i love the journey. in an everchanging world i manage to sonicboom my way through life.
i`m trying to find my forever.
a n e v e r e n d i n g q u e s t

dee la may.

de la meg is: reckless, impatient, and everchanging.

what are we, again?

i feel so wierd about platonic interaction and such things these days. i don`t want to be in a relationship but i do want that somebody to spend time with [activities include dates such as the movies, dinner, skating what have you etcetera etcetera.] while talking to an ex we both became confused at the levels of relationship [i`m beginning to hate that word becuase it`s becomg so much more broad and complex as the days go by.] anywho i had an urge to classify the different levels of interaction/relationships/friendship based on my perspective - i mean it is my blog. . . i guess the most complicated aspect of this conundrum is "the title." People are so concerned over whether or not there is a title. " She " just called me her girlfriend one day, and I was like I guess that`s what it is then. However, I know plenty of people that fun away from titles because "they complicate things." No, YOU complicate things. I don`t believe that just because two people decide to be in a relationship things will be complicated. That`s just a cop out for " i only want to claim/have you when i want to claim/have you." i decided to classify but i`m still confused so these are no where near concrete. ranked lowest to highest. i won`t do the relationship - that`s where i`m good.


fuck buddies- these two people interact for the sole purpose of sex. they may be friends or they may be on an on call basis as needed. this situation become complicated once one party colors outside the lines and catches feeling for " the nut. " the person who has caught feelings will receive an excessive amount of being blatantly ignored, however when needed for sex they will always be there. they may experience bouts of low self esteem, yet their pie or bear claw will always be there for snack time. this person may try to blossom a relationship from barren land #itsjustnotgonnawork. the winner in this situation, a.k.a. the one who does not give a fuck, will not care about how the other person feels, they are only there for one purpose and they stick to the plan. it become even more complicated when the person who was once the winner in this situation gives one hint of possibility that there may be more to this fuckfest than just sex . . .


just friends- this may be the most confusing to me because of the rate just friends excellerates to "we`re talking" or decellerates to extinction. herein lies my problem on the ability to execute just being a friend. at this point you two may send friendly text messages "good morning, how was your day, what are you doing`s" and hang out from time to time. one of the people in this scenario has usually approached the situation from the prospective of liking or being interested in the other person, therefore everything friendly that is communicated towards them is interpreted as though the other person is also interested when they really are not, they just like them "as a friend." but my confusion comes from something called the " propinquity effect " [#shoutout to the NCAT Psych Dept.] the propinquity effect is the tendency for people to form friendships or romantic relationships with those whom they encounter often, forming a bond between subject and friend. that basically means the more the more time you spend with somebody, you two will form some higher bond than what it began as. i need someone to expound on this for me [venture to comment section].


we`re talking- OK so [in my head] these two people have supposedly established that they both are interested in each other, to me, there must be boundaries set in order to distinguish this from "just friends" and "in a relationship." those stipulations must be set by both parties. BUT the rules must be within the confines of "we`re just talking" do not incorporate relationship boundaries in this situation. however one golden rule [whether they should be able to chill with other people as well] must be carefully scrutinized.] i believe that should be agreed upon based on what you two want the outcome of this courtship to be. [r/s, remain stagnant, etc.] the complication comes when the rules are A. never made. B. never discussed or C. completely broken/ignored. This situation fluctuates and can last from days to months, the key to this is pateince and maturity.complications: selfishness, incosideration, lack of connectedness, sex, lack of seriousness.
this is getting too complicated, i`m leaving @ this point.

i j u s t w a n t t o b e s u c c e s s f u l



thoughts?

things that make you hmmm.

when i was little i used to wonder like how are we humans? how do my fingers move, like how do we [people] actually interact. humans are so complex to me. it`s weird as hell, like we are bones, a brain, skin and blood. i wondered what it would be like to see the inside of me. it`s amazing *in my jeezy voice* i still wonder because i don`t know. i distinctly remember thinking in my head " how am i megan? " i still don`t know the answers. feel free to do some evolutional or religious bashing if you will - may help me out a little.
q u e s t i o n s a b o u t l i f e a t 2 2

my guy andy

seriously, this guy is one of my idols. novelized life. he inspires me. what i really want right now is to buy a plane ticket to pittsburgh and visit his mueseum ; alone ; for like a week.
s a v e m e a n d y

the weekend whucks.

i need a new car. arguments in the club. hating work. =) but i`m still breezing - shoot i`m in grad school now. me and the ex are like two faulty magnets. we argue EVERYtime we`re at the club together and we either end up apologizing or going on a few days haitus. well this time i don`t know what will happen - trying to decide if i care what happens. i don`t want to try to unscramble it. and you know what it`s not even because i`m mad at her or what the issue is, it`s because i understand and right now i`m admittingly running away from reality. "i don`t want to be with anybody " yada yada yada. i WANT to be single but i don`t want to be alone BUT i don`t care about being single either. it`s so catch 44ish. maybe #in2010 i`ll make an adjustment and woman up but right now i`m being 18 about it. i`m trying to decide what i miss because i do but everything is like a black hole right now. you know, you know its there but you don`t know what it really entails. it`s still what the fuckish. i don`t know where we will end up, scared to find out.
f u c k i n g b r e a k u p s

abra cadabra.

i was just listening to it and said ; b l o g. early 2009 shit but i bang with this record so hard. the jargon goes point blank. "turn any bar into fight club ", " ya messin with this joker but you need a king, cause he a club anybody tryna jack his queen, ima call a spade a spade from the start, he gave you diamonds, shoulda gave you his heart, ya see?" I wish I felt like analyzing this song but i`m sorry this is not Dr. Sims "Psychology of Hip Hop," been there, aced that. But what I will do is implore you to listen, if you haven`t heard. It reminds me of Hova`s " I Know " ; it`s adjacent in metaphors. But I bang with it because it`s so real. When I listen to songs a visual scenario always pops in my head and I just see this so vividly. I see like glitter and dark colors and black panthers. [i know - some vision] This isn`t Zoe Kravitz pumping down in NYC, this is Kesha walking into the kitchen with her momma`s needle still in the arm, it`s the stripper with a nosebleed and black eye. One of my fears is falling into the traps of life - getting strung out, something like that. This song just makes me think of all the women, ladies, girls that had so much potential but didn`t quite make the cut. I see a lot of cases at my job [ not forever 21] the legit one - with the salary. This puts me somewhere, songs are a #win when I envision myself in another land. it`s my anti-pipe. this song sums up every girl in the world, like even though it`s matphotically speaks for like two subjects, i feel like it can encompass many defaults we have. i may come back to this later.
i s a n y b o d y o u t t h e r e ?

unreality

i love this photo. it just seems so right. it defies gravity and reality. i defy gravity ; when i go up, i don`t come down - i keep exploring. my reality is not real. my reality consist of fantasies, dreams, and whimsicalities =) everytime i see the photo i just envision the life i want to live. i want to cross over into another realm, i want to do the un done, explore the unknown. the supernatural this photo conveys means everything to me. floating over the world, viweing every perspective while being able to balance yourself. tight right? not to mention that cardigan is tight as shit. giving me jeremy scott / kesh flow. shit i really wish i knew who designed this cardigan.
b e y o u r d r e a m s

whatever wednesdays

i`m off on wednesdays. i don`t go to Forever. i don`t think about a client. Wednesday is my day to rape life. i was supposed to style my boo shakeeia for the black party but she`s an engineering major so she got held up. i spent my day filling out an incident report, @the mall in greensboro w/ a friend from high school and her baby and wound up at an open mic. i thought about sex ALL DAY. no seriously ALL DAY. how often do you all think about sex? does anybody cherish the "sacred exclusiveness" of sex anymore? i don`t think i do. when i want it i get it... Anyway it felt good to spit that poem at the open mic because i needed to express myself. what do you all do to release? masterbate, cook, read, crochet? i breathe poetry ; it`s the only bitch that never left me. shout out to couture productions. i`m thinking about sex again. expression is the only thing i have that i can call my own. i seriously say whatever is on my mind, sometimes that come backs and kicks me in the ass [ per emotions ] but at least i can say i`m real ass bitch in a fake ass world. speaking of fake ass people...why must people continue to flail around knowing they have secret motives? i`ve witnessed quite a few facades over these past few months and it makes me want to bust some bricks. if you`re pathetic BE PATHETIC, EMBRACE IT, LIVE IT. do not fake the funk to hide your true self. i know who i am, i wonder if your reflection ducks for fear it may reveal your true colors?


m a ri n a t e o n t h a t
see i can smile.

whuck.

love - i don`t believe in you. you are a mirage that taints my schema of reality. please go elsewhere and concentrate on healing the world, you`ve done enough eroding to these parts. love, de la.
g o s c r e w y o u r s e l f

bad girls club - members only

@sexilantavegas and @drtysouthyankee have both nominated me for the reality show " The Bad Girls Club. " Fuck it, I agree. I like to cuss it releases all this shit i got stored up inside me. It makes me feel better to scream MFer this and B***H that. I`ve been through the fire, the storms, and the sunny days, all that does is fuel me even more. Seriously, if I went on that show, I would fight everyday. I get fed up by stupidity. I`m ruthless and I don`t ever plan to stop. People are stupid with skewed ass mentals and they need to be checked. No harm, no foul if you can suck shit up right? In th 11th grade Mr. Bowers was like damn, why are you so angry?! I was like that`s just me I think...Maybe I am naturally angry and irate. I had a conversation with two different people about my happiness and one said she thinks my art [poetry] would suffer if I`m ever totally content, the other said the same and also she thinks that is what makes me uniquely crafted and offset from the rest. I agree. I`m not mad, it`s just me. I could never be mellow it wouldn`t feel right.
w h a t y o u s a y t r i c k

pop culture vulture

Today was surprisingly decent. I worked from 10 to 3, saw my clients,went to the Sprint store, and Borders. Interestingly enough I had to abandon my phone for about two hours because the blackbeezy was running slow as shit. So I decided I was going to kick it real intellect like at Borders. I walked in to the sound of a piano playing “Lollipop” by Daddy Weezy. I was like what the fuck?! because all I could envision at that point was some middle aged white man in a tux tickling the ivory. Well I followed the sounds to the magazine section where I found a little white guy no older than 18 with his keyboard set up. I just smiled. I love music. His track list included

• Lollipop
• Umbrella
• Halo
• Knocks you down
• Best I Ever Had [felt some type of way ; that`s our song]

I just copped a seat and read waxpoetics: the Michael Jackson tribute, Relix: 50 Greatest Concerts Edition and Guitar Legends: The Beatles Edition. I also read the design of a decade edition of TIME. I am like this hyperemotional yet cutthroat hobbit trapped inside a black girls body. I cried reading waxpoetics. Shit, I cried reading the article on John Lennon`s murder. I cried looking at pictures of September 11<sup>th</sup> and photos from Katrina and the tsunami. I just get overwhelmed by art and music. It keeps me alive. I was just sitting there thinking of how content I was reading about the Beatles and Michael Jackson. I pride myself on trying say fuck the box, I think outside of myself. I got carried away today to some fantasy world where I was watching MJ moonwalk for the first time and dropping acid at Woodstock ; shit like that amazes me. I can only imagine how living in history felt. This post could last forever if I wanted it to but i`ll stop here. Even though today was great doesn`t mean that I don`t DETEST NC though.

g e t m e o u t o f h e r e

it`s december first

and she`s not in my life the way i want her to be, and i don`t know if she ever will again. on my bella shit. stolen like lemonade on a hot summer day, waiting for that cool again...
s h a k i n g m y h e a d.

twitter is #mypotnadem but...

I`m in love with twitter. Thoughts made easy. I`ve been on the site since the beginning of January but I didn`t tweet much until around March or April when my friends came around. Right now I`m in the low 12,000`s I have so much stuff on my mind it`s redic. My followers love me and I love them back. My “unofficial followers” ehhh not so much. I love the easy access to others thoughts and the gutter content but let`s pause for the cause. Twitter is going to be the death of human interaction consequently along with texting and other social media. I miss sitting by the house phone waiting on phone calls and rushing home to check the caller ID. I miss returning pages (yes, I had a pager.) People need to see other, people need to touch each other. The movie WALL-E showed us that holding hands is the pinnacle of tangible interaction. I`m so scared for society. I want to hear the sound of a voice, I don`t want carp tunnels. When my 12 year old cousin gets married, I don`t want him to pull out his super phone and text his vows to his bride. It`s already tons of illiterate jokers out there we don`t need to regress and add fuel to that fire. I`ve been in relationships where most of the communication consisted of 50% technology – not cool, nor fun. Everyday pieces of society crumble, this is like the one thing we can control yet it`s unfathomable for some people to even think about being away from their phone for more than 30 minutes. I like being able to disconnect from my blackberry – shit gets rough out here, I need to breathe.
p i s s e s m e o f f

more _______ ; more problems

I hate when I have problems. I always think “there is somebody doing more horrible than you Megan, get over it.” Well, we all got problems, and NO Kanye was not the first to admit it, but I can`t hoard them any more because I feel sorry for others. I`m entitled to the problems that fit my lifestyle. Is that wrong? Is it right? Is it normal? I want to know. I give my change to the pan handlers, I donate toys to homeless shelters, so when I need to vent over school, my job, exes, and all the other jargon of shit going on today, dammit I will. It just feels selfish to me because I`m employed, I have a home, and I`m not struggling. My issues stem from social awkwardness. Graduation and breakup is not a nice cocktail. We all have those moments where the world is too much and right now the world is on my shoulders as I bend over backwards.
m a k e s m e w a n n a s c r e a m.

i`m back.

are you prepared?